For most of my life, I worked and worked at transforming lifelong painful patterns in order to finally feel whole and at peace. For the first many years of my life, it was all about getting rid of my depression, for the later years, it was about finally being in partnership.
I would try thing after thing, a million healing modalities, personal growth workshops, coaching programs, therapies and then some. Don’t get me wrong, I do love growth and transformation in their own rite. And, yet, my deeper and more secret intention was often a faulty one. I didn’t care how I got there, I just wanted it to change and heal. I just wanted the thing I wanted, whether it was peace, self-love, a partner. I just wanted to be free from the pain I was experiencing and have the object I wanted.
Clearly, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be free from pain but that underlying desire to make the pain stop was the very energy I would bring to whatever I was engaging in. And, as we all know, like begets like. So, secretly (or not so secretly) leading with anxiety, desperation and seeking would lead to more anxiety, desperation and seeking. I believed and acted like I could never get there. I believed and acted like I wouldn’t be happy until I got there. I believed and acted like there was something wrong with me or something wrong with the world. And, so guess what, that’s exactly what I got. Over and over again.
An unhappy anxious seeker who wanted so badly to have the thing and I wanted and yet was forever miserable, seeking and never succeeded. Internally, I was a beggar, with hungry and pained outstretched arms trying to fill a void and emptiness that could never be filled. It would lead me to do things that I was inherently not a yes to, like online dating. I personally have never had fun doing this, but this is an example of leaving myself and my own knowing to do something that my heart and intuition were not a yes to. Clearly, this lack of self-trust, this trying to do things from the outside in again brought more of the same energy of a fundamental disconnection from self and an energy of seeking, searching, doing rather than being and having and loving it now.
I was chasing after a hungry ghost and the problem is that even if I got there, even I got what I wanted, I wouldn’t have been able to enjoy it anyway. For years, I had this big time with chasing after my dream of partnership. Don’t get me wrong, I still would love to be in an amazing partnership with an incredible man. It’s still a top and big desire in my life. And, now I not only believe that I can and will meet an amazing man who will be my partner (for the first time in years), I am also entirely and completely happy as I am right now. I am able to enjoy all the other areas of my life which are extraordinary and I’m ENJOYING the hell out of the experience of meeting my man.
Sure, I would be lying if I said I never had a hard moment around this anymore. I am human and still have moments of sadness and longing and missing. BUT, it doesn’t nearly get me down as it used to, it feels like I have a fundamental happiness at my core that nothing can touch. The feelings now come, I honor and nourish them, but they do not shift my core enjoyment of life and all the other amazing gifts and blessings I have in my life.