On Thanksgiving, I had a day of hitting rock bottom. Life felt unmanageable and undesirable and I cried in anger, hurt and grief. And, my mind was spinning a hundred negative stories that were perpetuating my misery. I knew this and I was doing it anyway. Eventually, I got over myself, took a hot epsom salt bath and spent the evening with my oldest friend, her husband and her kids. I had been in the process of dreaming up how I wanted to serve, coach and mentor women and knew it would be a deep dive into spirituality, healing, clearing the subconscious and embodiment.
And, so that night as I was falling asleep, I had the thought, “Okay, Lori, you are creating a coaching practice , so if you were your own coach, how would you coach yourself right now?” The answer came immediately, “if I had one coaching advice for you, it would be to rise above your emotions.” I have been deeply involved in spiritual practice, therapy, alternative healing modalities and personal growth since I was 18; this has been the bread and butter of my life. I literally have a million practices and tools to support myself.
And, yet, I wasn’t using them. Why? The answer is simple: I was getting in my own way and still hoping for something out there (a spiritual lineage, a healing modality, the ultimate life purpose) to do it for me. Somewhere in the background, I knew this to be true, but I was embarrassed by it and wanted to be seen as holier than thou or more internally independent than I was.
This declaration to “rise above my emotions” did in fact become my mantra. And, after a couple of days of literally being a ninja with myself to not go into the dark contents of my mind and emotional body (and they did continue to spew), all of my negative ego, thoughts and conditioning began to slow down. I felt empowered and this led to a deepening and another declaration that “I am the only one responsible for my happiness and well-being." And, I truly felt this for the first time with all parts of my being.
Rising above my emotions and being responsible for my own happiness were the keys to simply being okay with myself now. And life became a different experience – I felt empowered by myself and my own ability to care for myself. I was no longer looking for the thing that would finally erase and get rid of all the heartache and pain. Life got easier and I felt happy being me and getting to experience all the blessings of my life. I have mostly been on a very positive trajectory since then, that is until the holidays (as they can be for many of us). The last two days have been particularly challenging with little sleep and an unnameable fear that is attaching to anything and everything that has ever triggered me in my life.
And, for a short period, I was upset and caught in an old narrative, “why is this coming back? I thought I was over this.” Then, I was able to remind myself, "this is not the point. Deeper layers of trauma and challenge will continue to happen. Healing will happen too. That is the human journey.
It is my responsibility to love and accept myself now regardless of what is going on. I can be with it in many ways: I can redirect to what feels good in my body, I can connect with a friend I love and I can be a mother to the part that needs love and attention, to name a few. Of course, this was also coming out as I am beginning to put the word out about my coaching program for women. And, so, naturally, in a more down moment, I began to question “how I can I possibly help others when I could still get so caught and haven’t fully arrived yet?”
I was quickly able to see the fallacy in my thinking. The truth is that my life, healing and spiritual journey and my continued commitment to transforming what doesn’t serve me and living free of internal struggle and strife are the very reason that I am the exact person to take women on this journey.