I am a gifted healer and a wounded healer. In spite of all the therapy, transformational and spiritual work I have done over the last 20 + years – and it’s been a full-time job for me – I still have old deep, painful wounds that arise like a tidal wave, screaming for my attention. I am always finding my way through. Attempting to feel these ugly, hard feelings without resistance. Letting all my feelings rip without attaching an extra story to them, stories woven from my conditioning and past experiences.
Being a mother to the parts that still ache and are calling for my compassion and love. Being a mother to the shame that I wish I didn’t still feel after all these years of continued healing. Being a mother to the anger I have at certain areas of life being difficult and disappointing over and over again.
I also have joyful and easeful times, which took years for me to experience. I also feel gratitude for the many blessings and joys of my particular life, the earth, other beings and life itself. For the beauty that is found within each moment, whether I am in the throes of deep emotional pain or the highs of ecstatic joy.
How do I acknowledge and feel all the heartbreak and pain while simultaneously feeling the gratitude for this human life (in all the little moments)? How do I balance being with hard feelings and redirect to what is feeling good in the present moment? How do I balance being with hard feelings, delving into the pain, feeling the moment of shame that is generated by an old story, going fully into it in that moment while not allowing the old story to take me over? How do I honor and love all my feelings and thoughts and also not take them as the absolute truth? How do I accept myself as I am now in this very moment, not only when I’ve arrived at some fantasized destination of bliss and peace in the future? How do I honor my own healing journey which will never be quite complete AND honor myself as a gifted therapist and healer?
Boldly claim myself as a healer, not in spite of going through such hard spells and having to continually master the art of healing for myself, BUT because I DO go through these experiences. Because I’m human and real and know what it means to show up and heal deeply and truly from the inside. In many ways, I am no different than the clients I work with – we are all humans who have particular strengths and wounds. We are all imperfect beings progressing towards more light, love and healing and never fully arriving. We all need the loving, compassionate and caring attention of ourselves and others to heal and feel whole.
This process never ends. As I write this on a rainy Monday in Marin, I have had several fairly heart-wrenching days of little sleep and old pain moving its way through my body and psyche as something in me is processing and healing. I meet with client after client, not surprisingly, doing some of my most exquisite and sensitive healing work. On the edge of my deepest pain and breakthrough is always where the profound work with others happens!