I woke up this morning feeling very depressed and like I wanted to die, not unfamiliar experiences for me.
As I leaned into these feelings, the tears began to come,
the opening of genuine heartbreak and grief.
I have been living with a lot of transition and uncertainty for months now,
in almost every area of my life.
I have been working hard to recreate my life, community and work.
Nothing feels stable or certain.
I am putting a lot of energy and time into it,
I am being creative, taking huge risks and trying different things,
I am following my own truth moment to moment, putting one foot in front of the other in the ways that feel resonant and right for me,
And, still, the most important areas of my life are not working out.
By that, I mean not working out in the ways I anticipated they would or would like.
I often have the feeling like I am pushing a boulder uphill with little results.
I try things and they fail.
This happens over and over again.
I feel an exhaustion deep in my bones that I have never known.
Throughout my life, I have worked endlessly on myself, attempting to heal and transform the immense pain, disappointment and haunting and horrifying emotions I have felt since I was a child.
I have worked hard to create what I truly desired in life, which has rarely come easily or in the ways I imagined or wished they would.
I spent years blaming myself,
believing that I was in control and responsible for all that was happening,
if I just tried harder,
if I just healed this trauma or wound,
if I just figured out the “right” way to do things, the “right” way to feel about things,
if I was just a vibrational match for what I was wanting,
if I was just able to stay more positive.
There are thousands of reasons I could name for what I could be doing differently or better to create what I want.
And, this is all magical thinking.
The magical, omnipotent thinking of a child who wants to avoid feeling the true powerlessness and helplessness they feel living in a vast universe that feels scarier and more unknown than they can comprehend, (the first universe being their parents).
The truth is that I am not in control of life.
And neither are you.
No matter how much you work at it,
No matter what steps you take to create what you want,
Sure, you can make the best decisions to create the life you want.
And, ultimately, you are not in control of the outcome.
Even if you do create that successful dream business, relationship or home you always wanted,
You are not in control of how long it stays and how it unfolds.
That is the ultimate truth of our existence,
NO ONE LEFT OUT.
And, so this morning, as I sit in utter devastation and heartbreak instead of running or hiding from it, which I have done in some form for most of my life,
As I honestly and squarely face my ultimate powerlessness and grief, the most reliable, ongoing experience I have had in life,
I feel blessed that life has often not worked out for me,
I feel blessed to have experienced so much absence, powerlessness and disappointment.
Leaning into this ultimate truth,
Being willing to go all in in every area of my life,
making moment to moment choices that feel right and in integrity for me.
Walking each moment of life from a place that feels whole, real and true to me,
knowing that I will fail again and again,
that my actions and decisions may or may not produce the outcomes I desire,
I feel free and in touch with the preciousness of life,
a life that can be taken just as quickly as it was given.
Experiences that can be absent for years and then present and then gone again without a moment’s notice.
In this cracking open to the inevitable heartbreak and powerlessness of life,
I am free to experience it all.
In showing up to feel it all, I am learning more deeply how to truly live in the moment to moment intimacy of all of life,
to let it come and let it go.
And, in this way, I am learning what it means to be truly human,
and truly free.
June 21, 2019