As a full-fledged mature, sovereign woman, I have never outright claimed my deep desire for a sacred romantic partnership as one of the deepest prayers in my heart in this life. From the place of inner security, knowing, trust, self-love and holding, devotion and the pure sweet longing of this heart prayer as an experience in and of itself.
I have however claimed this longing from the pained, un-integrated, not fair place of the child within. Gripped by self-defeating narratives, past disappointments, stories of scarcity and lack, hopelessness, despair, “I can’t have”, “I have to work harder,” “I’m not allowed to fully want this and claim it for myself (shame),” “I need to be completely okay being alone, in total self-love all the time”, “I have to heal more or do something to deserve this.” I spent years, angry, fighting, grief-stricken and depressed it wasn’t happening, yet feeling powerless to make anything different. My young child and her wounding simply needed my attention and love to finally integrate. This was MANY years of deep, conscious work!
I have arrogantly valorized being fiercely independent and having gone on such a rich journey to reclaim and transmute my aloneness into my connection to a deeper core within, radical self-love, and intimacy with self, the earth and all of creation. All the while silently criticizing those who are in chronic relationship and never choosing to fully be alone and dive into their own juicy silence and beauty. At the same time, also deeply and secretly longing to be that person who simply is in partnership with her Beloved (and that journey being easy and abundant).
I am independent and I am sovereign. And, I am also deeply interdependent, relational and love intimacy with others in all its forms. My years of aloneness and partnerlessness, although reaped with much pain, suffering and resistance, also curated in me a holding and having of myself and my life, a knowing of who I am and a connection to God and life itself that is priceless. I would not do that journey over if I could. It has made me into the powerful, open-hearted, amazing woman that I am in all my flavors, colors and expressions.
Lately, I have been in a whole new realm of rich, juicy and potent explorations of my desire for a sacred romantic partnership with a Beloved. I have had many beautiful moments and discoveries which are carving deeper intimacy with my heart, body and soul and the heart and womb of creation.
One day, I was sitting on the earth and the full delicious declaration to the Universe of my deep potent desire for partnership powerfully emerged from my being. Simultaneously, I found myself touching a deep feeling of aloneness, that very same feeling I had prided myself as having healed. Beginning to feel this brought up alarms inside that this might mean I am not as sovereign as I think. As I let the feeling of aloneness and my desire to not be without a partner in my life anymore be expressed (“I don’t want to be alone” expressed a bit like an angry little kid), I found myself easily and naturally wrapping my own arms of love and warmth around this aloneness and unmet desire. And, in that moment of true meeting with my achy heart, I felt my own wholeness powerfully. I felt a completion in my being and in a deep love and reverence with myself. This was a moment of sovereignty! I had claimed and loved my own experience in all its nuance and was fully free in my own energy field. Deep waves of beauty and bliss unfolded.
In other moments, my longing for a specific person or a future Beloved lands strongly in my experience – this is often felt as crazy, uncontrollable desire that almost has an addictive flair. I’m overcome by it and want with every part of my being to move towards that imagined other. Sometimes, I feel like a crazed and wild feral animal that is completely overtaken by my desire and it takes everything in me to sit in the fire of this rapturous longing. I allow these fires to rage inside of me and devote myself to God and to Union with the Beloved, and these energies transform into bliss, ecstasy, waves of sensation where I feel one with the larger field of Awareness. I am partnered and in union with my own juicy, sensuous, radiant self and with God. As I allow myself to fully surrender to this experience, the energies transform with more nuance, vibrancy and subtlety and I find myself making love with the entire Universe. It’s pretty epic!
Where will this full reclaiming and juicy dance with the Beloved take me? I suspect Into deeper devotion and reverence with the powerful longing in me and all the deep riches that come from that. Into deeper devotion to God and to the whole of life. And, into the arms of my right fit soulmate Beloved. (Yes, and I trust the right timing of this). In the meantime, it’s all play and some of the most potent, beautiful work I can do.
September 10, 2019