Business wizards have advised me that if I want potential clients to trust me and my work to not to write about my darkness and my shadow so much, and especially not about a period that’s just happened or I’m currently going through. And yet, I have been through these dark night periods so many times in my life and, throughout that entire time, I have helped many people (hundreds in fact) to face themselves fully, heal and transform. I have supported them to face their deepest demons, shadows and darkness; the places they have avoided for years; the things they’re scared to admit to themselves because they’re afraid of what that might mean for their lives, their careers, their relationships, the constructed and safe identities they have created over a lifetime.
I have been doing this work within myself and with others for years. So why do I need to hide that the work keeps going, that I haven’t arrived to a definitive endpoint yet (as though that existed)?
The truth is for two months, I have been in one of the most epic transformational dark nights of the souls of my life, it is burning me from the inside out. Every identity piece I have ever known that is based on a false belief about self and separation is dying. It is horrifying at times and liberating in others. I am in it and I have no idea how long it will last.
I am clearing and processing shame from this lifetime, from my female lineage and for the female collective as a whole (10,000 years of patriarchy), I am clearing and processing feelings of powerlessness and victimization. I am looking at all the ways I have been exerting power, control, manipulation in attempts to feel safe and secure. I am processing the terror that I feel daily in shedding all the bs that’s kept me feeling protected and safe. I am processing self-hatred and shame for the places I feel weak and limited, for needing a lot of space and time to be with this, for not doing life like I see that others seem to be able to do. I am learning how to stop protecting and instead to soften and receive from myself, others, the Earth and God. I am processing rage and unearthing deep courage and true power I didn’t know existed. I am letting go of false safety and security for true power that can only come from opening to it all and allowing myself, others and life to be exactly as it is. That is true freedom and unconditional joy because it comes from within.
So, I say fuck it, if all of this makes me unqualified and undesirable to do the deep healing work, trauma, somatic and shadow work I do with clients! I am good at what I do not because I am fully healed, whole and integrated and am through the worst of the worst. I did think about a year ago that I was. I was WRONG about the worst of the worst being over, but what I was right about is the darkness has continued to get easier as I continue to accept my Soul’s embodiment and mission and am courageously willing to open and face EVERYTHING that comes into my field. I am incredibly sensitive and feel everything with immense subtlety and nuance. No longer hiding from anything or retreating into my mind, other or story, I am left to feel it all.
The real truth is that I am good and ‘qualified’ at what I do because I continue to go through it, each time a deeper cut, each time with less resistance and more openness, each time with more ability to keep my nervous system regulated, each time with more tools and skills to accept the most hideous parts of myself and humanity, each time with deeper, more unconditional love for myself in whatever hell realm I’m in. I am simultaneously in the fire and helping others transform the fuck out of their lives. Not surprisingly, each time I am in it/going through it, I become an even more powerful healer and support. And, those I want on my team and want to hire me are those who are a hell YES to this!
October 31, 2019