Allowing Creative Inspiration to Birth Itself
For several months, I've been in a process of allowing my true inspiration and creativity to emerge from the depths. Free from any semblance of subtle, tricky conditioning. Free from forcing, pushing or doing. I didn't write on here for months because nothing was coming. I still feel very in the depths of this emerging process, this birthing of my true inspiration and authenticity outside of ideas and concepts of who I’m supposed to be and what I'm supposed to do to be successful, what I'm supposed to ‘know’ and ‘embody’ about my work, i.e. what my ‘niche’ is, my passion or who my ideal client is, as a crystallized concept that I can pin down. Rather than a living, breathing process.
I have a desire to trust the unfolding of my life as she emerges in front me. I desire to feel my wholeness and worthiness because I exist. To experience myself and life as safe, secure and trustworthy not because I have attained all the outside things that we are taught will make us feel these ways. Or because life is certain, predictable or organized on the outside - because it’s not and never will be and this is truly life sucking imo. I would like my creations and inspirations to come from my deep down knowingness and embodiment of my perfect wholeness right now. I want to stop the not enoughness and needing to prove one’s existence for myself and I want this for all of humanity.
This has been a very uncomfortable process in moments - as I sit in seeming nothingness and feel the subtle hits of guilt and shame about not producing and not being someone in particular, all the comparison of others who know without a doubt their purpose, their niche, who go for it and albeit through hard work make it happen easily. The truth is that producing a lot and attempting to create all the time, and trying to be someone special with a particular message is simply not natural to my being and has in fact always had the opposite effect for me, often ‘producing’ little or nothing of what was intended. In the process, I end up feeling drained, exhausted and depleted. Less whole, less of myself.
There is a part of me that has always loved and thrived in the space of non-doing, silence, stillness, being, practice, moving slowly, connecting deeply with self and God. This part has been relieved by this space to not have to produce and be someone. For as long as I can remember, it’s been a full time job for me to be with the intensity I experience and honor how much I process through this body/mind/heart, for myself and humanity. As we all know, this is not particularly valued by our society and often not truly valued even in more open-minded, personal growth oriented and spiritual spaces such as this community on fb. So for those of you who are also mega processors of humanity's feelings and shadows, I'm here to tell this ‘job’ is real and valued.
In this process, I have found that I love showing up for and supporting those in front of me. I love responding to the emotional and spiritual needs, pains and dreams of human beings. I love being with real, tender, messy humans in a relational field. My clients. My friends. My family. Acquaintances. Random encounters. I do not love creating in order to be someone special, attract clients or make money. I do like working with many clients and having an abundance of money though.
I’m still very much in this emergent process of allowing myself and my true inspiration and creativity to be birthed from within. And I had a big aha this morning. I have been offering different forms of healing, mentorship and spiritual work for years. I'm dynamic and gifted in the range I can offer. And, I’m realizing that part of my lack of inspiration comes from trying to pigeon hole myself into one niche, or one thing when that’s not the whole truth of who I am and what lights me on fire. I like working with a dynamic range of clients, struggles and desires.